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Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
# Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
# Man who run in front of car get tired.
# Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
# Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
# War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
# Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
# Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
# It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
# Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
# Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
# Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
# Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
# Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
# Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
# He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
# Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
# Man who sit on tack get point!
# Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
# Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
# Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
# Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
# Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!
# Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
# Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!
# When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
# "Man with glass house must dress in basement!"
# Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!
# Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
# Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
# Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
# Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
# Man who run behind car get exhausted.
# Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
# Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
# Man with one chopstick go hungry.
# He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
# Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
# Hole happy, whole body happy.
# He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.
# He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.
# Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
# He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
# Elevator smell different to midget.
# Work to become, not to acquire.
# A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
# Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
# Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!
# Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
# War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.
# Those who quote me are fools.
# Confucius say too damn much.
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slow."
The bartender thinks, Man how I hate these gorillas! They're smelly and hairy and ugly. Maybe if I just ignore him, the gorilla will go away. But the gorilla doesn't realize anythings wrong. He just sits there waiting patiently for way too long.Then, the bartender loses his patience, he says hey what the hell do you want? The gorilla just asks for a beer, and the bartender gets an idea the bartender says that the beers in this bar cost twenty American dollars! The gorilla says that's a lot of money for a beer and the bartender smiles his evil little smile. But suddenly the gorilla slaps down twenty dollars cash he says man, oh man I gotta try this twenty dollar draft! So the bartender has no choice and he gives the gorilla a beer and he gives him a really mean look and he hopes that he'll leave when he's done. But the gorilla is drinking quite slowly! cuz he paid so much cash for that beer! The bartender starts to get angry, until finally he comes out and says, you know we don't get a lot of gorillas in this bar! The gorilla says with prices like these, it's no wonder!
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."